Cereal Killer Part Two

Posted: December 21, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I thought it was over, but the voices came back.  They told me I had to destroy the leprechaun.  It was easy to find him.  He was at the end of the rainbow protecting his lucky charms.  Unfortunately, he saw me coming.

“What do ya think yre doin, laddy?”

“I’m here to kill you, demon leprechaun!”

“You’ll never git me lucky charms!”  He was screaming and suddenly picked up his box, shook out a hand full and blasted them toward me.  They hit me in the chest, then bounced to the ground.  I picked up a few pieces and munched on them, a grin split my face.  This guy is a bit nuts.  If he didn’t want me to have his lucky charms, why is he throwing them at me?  Seems to me that it defeats the whole purpose of trying to keep them.

These thoughts had to be shaken off and I advanced on the tiny man.  I grabbed the pot of gold, and after dumping the gold out, I put the pot over the leprechaun, trapping him.  He was pounding on the heavy, black metal and I sat on top of it, so it wouldn’t move.  It took hours for the banging to lighten up, and then stop altogether.  With no air in the tiny space, this unlucky little guy suffocated.  With a shovel I dug a small hole near the end of the rainbow and buried the now lifeless body.

Hopefully now the voices are appeased, and I can continue my own deeds.  Being a cereal killer is so time consuming.

Cereal Killer Part One

Posted: December 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’ve been stalking him for months now.  He’s the cause of my downfall and I’ll make him pay for that.  But this Cap’n is a slippery one.  He keeps sailing away just before I strike.  But he leaves a little trail of berries wherever he goes.  What is he, a rat dropping pellets?  Doesn’t matter, these little balls will let me follow him to the end of the earth if need be.

I’ve finally caught up to him.  His boat is docked at the Island of Deliciousness.  The crew has been sent away for the night, but the Cap’n staid behind.  Tonight is my night, I’m going to end this pirates reign of terror.

“Hey, you there, what are you doing?”

Shit, he’s spotted me.  Well, no time like the present.  I pull out my sword.

“This is it, pirate!  You’ve stolen all the kids that love my cereal, now I’m going to kill you.”  I’m screaming at him, but he just looks at me dumbfounded.

“Aren’t you…”

I don’t let him finish, my blade slices the air and cleanly goes through the Cap’n’s neck.  His decapitated head does a curve across the deck, set off course by the misshapen hat that still sits on his head.

With my work done, I silently move back into the night.  One is down…

To the surprise of no one, Donna Joe Tanner, better known as DJ, and Kimmy Gibbler are lesbian lovers.  All the signs were there for us all to see, and now they finally admit the truth.

Can you guess who the butch is?  (HINT: She’s wearing a TIE!)  The signs for this were all over the place.  Kimmy would follow DJ around, just to be at her beck and call.  Of course Donna Jo, or Don JT as she now prefers to be called, wears the pants and suspenders in the family unit.  They have two of Comets grand-puppies and plan on adopting a baby.  The baby was born out of wedlock, a product of Stephanie and a meth dealer she met down at the docks.

Oh, and that whole Steve thing?  Yeah, that was just a cover.  He’s as strait as the graph of an earthquake.  Was he fooling anyone?  Please, cut, it, out.  If this is news to you, seriously, WAKE UP, SAN FRANCISCO!

The GLOW…

Posted: December 18, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Studio Executive:  Now what we need today is a new movie idea.  All the other studios are passing us by, we need something REALLY special.  Hell, just look at all these kung fu and Star Wars movies out there.  We need a slice of that pie.  Who has an idea?

Smith:  Well, what if we combined the two?

Studio Executive:  What are you talking about, Smith?

Smith:  Well, we could combine the kung fu and Star Wars.  And we could even have a bunch of music that the kids would love today, with choreographed dance scenes and stuff.

Studio Executive:  How would that work?

Smith:  Well…..we could set it in New York.  Our kung fu master could be a black guy named……uh…..LEROY!  Yeah, Bruce Leroy.  And he has a kid brother who’s really into popular music.

Studio Executive:  Ok, I’m with you so far.  Where does Star Wars come in?

Smith:  Well, Star Wars has the force.  So…….uh………um………..we could have the glow.  This mystical power that inhibits a person, and we can use special effects to make the actors glow on screen.

Studio Executive:  And will there be something like a lightsaber battle?  Cause the kids love that.

Smith:  Yes, but there won’t be any weapons…….uh……the glow, both are glowing, and when they….ummmmmmm………when they hit each other sparks fly, instead of the flashes of light in Star Wars.  Sparks are cool!  There could even be a sparkler movie tie-in.

Studio Executive:  This sounds great.  But you said they are both glowing, how will one win over the other?

Smith:  Hmmmmmm……..well, in Star Wars they threw the bad guy down a deep hole…..we don’t want to do exactly the same thing…..

Studio Executive:  No, we don’t want to copy them in ANY way, this is our movie, not theirs.

Smith:  Well, how about Bruce Leroy hits the bad guy, causing him to fall back into a big container of water, which causes the villain’s “glow” to short circuit?

Studio Executive:  THAT’S PERFECT!!!  Brilliant idea Smith, start production immediately!

10.  It will only take me months to learn karate.  Not only will I know karate, but I’ll be better then those that have been studying it a lot longer then I have.  All I have to do is find some old Asian guy to teach me, by making me do chores.  He’s a much better teacher then the younger military trained asshole.

9.  Running away from home to search for treasure, without telling anyone, will have no negative repercussions.  What will happen is the treasure will actually be found, and I’ll be able to buy my family’s home.  It would suck if it became a golf course.  Oh, and there would be pizza on the beach.

8.  Time travel is absolutely possible in a fast car, but it is dangerous.  The most dangerous thing about time travel is that your mother will try to sleep with you.  Avoid this at all costs.

7.  If you are going to time travel, it’s safer to do in a phone booth.  Go through history and kidnap all the famous historical figures you can.  For some strange reason, if your father doesn’t kiss your mother, you start to disappear.  But if you take all these historical figures, there are no negative consequences to the time stream.

6.  When someone asks if you’re a god, you say YES!  If you don’t, a giant marshmallow man will attack you.

5.  Video game skills are a necessity.  I can get so good that an alien will come down and get me, taking me back to his home planet, so that I can fight to save his planet.

4.  When my three friends and I go off in search of a dead body, we will NOT take a short cut through a swamp.

3.  My friend and I can use an old computer and create a woman.  But for some reason, we don’t sleep with our creation, instead choosing two lowly regular girls.

2.  Being a nerd is just fine.  What’s also fine is being a nerd in disguise and screwing a girl on the moon, when she thinks I’m someone else.  While this may sound bad, it’s not actually the rape that you might think it is.  In reality this will get the girl to become your girlfriend.

1.  There is one sure fire way to get laid.  Play volleyball with a bunch of shirtless guys, making funny poses, while “Playing with the Boys,” blares from a boombox.  Just as you’re about to win, leave.  Ride your motorcycle to the home of a woman who, up until now, hasn’t liked you all that much.  She will sleep with you.  Much like video games, it’s all about solving the puzzle.  Sometimes you just have to perform certain actions that allow you to find the right key to unlock that door.  Or in this case, the key to her hooha.

There are so many ways that this movie is racist and sexually explicit, I could be writing all day.  Let’s just focus on a few points of interest, so we can move things along.

1.  The boy’s name is Eric Bates, but he is called “Master” Bates by most of the staff.  Yes, you read that right.  He’s a young boy and likes to masturbate.  Ha ha.

2.  The blond bimbo wife of U.S. Bates wants desperately to sleep with the black man who’s basically a slave at this point.

3.  Moving onto being a slave.  Eric goes to the toy store, where Jack (Richard Pryor) is a janitor.  After being told that he can buy anything in the store, Eric wants the black man.  This may not have become racist except the men give Jack more and more money until he goes to be Eric’s friend for the week.  They bought the black man.  And, as Eric often points out, Jack has to do what Eric wants, as Jack belongs to Eric.

Seriously, after that, do I really need to keep going?  I mean, I could.  This movie is a treasure trove of fun facts.  Like the fact that Scott Schwartz, the kid who played Eric Bates, grew up to become a porn star.  Yes, “Master” Bates did dirty movies.  I’m shocked.  The kid that liked to jerk off wanted to go beyond, into the world of real, though somewhat plastic enhanced, women…

In Defense of Steve Urkel…

Posted: December 15, 2011 in Uncategorized
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This poor nerd child is often derided and made fun of.  Just because he’s different doesn’t mean he should be treated like crap.  He likes suspenders and his pants held up high.  If Steve is comfortable like that, can’t we just let him be?  Although, come to think of it, that high voice might be evidence of a problem caused by the high pants…

But I digress.  We need this nerd, errr, man, errrr, boy.  Whatever.  We need him.  Steven Quincy Urkel is going to save our world.  Don’t believe me?  Please.  This guy is a genius.  There is undeniable proof of this fact.

1.  Steve is a master chemist.  He was able to create a formula that fundamentally changed his DNA, causing him to literally change into another person.  While the formula was only able to change the DNA for a short period of time, it’s still an incredible scientific leap forward.  Think of the biological implications that his work might possibly be able to do in the future.

2.  Steve, furthering his previous research in chemistry, was able to build a machine that also changed his DNA.  Unlike the formula, the machine was able to permanently change DNA, until a person decided to change back.  Presumably, a person would be able to stay with altered DNA until they died, if they wanted to.

3.  Moving a step ahead in his DNA research, Steve was able to clone himself.  But that was just the first step, as the clone also underwent a session in the DNA machine.  One might think that a clone, with possible weakened genetic structure, might have problems going through another round of DNA being changed, but those people would be wrong.  Because Steven is a genius.  And he made it work.

Now, you tell me, is this the type of man you want to disrespect?  I don’t think so.  Seriously, if you piss this guy off to much, imagine the super villain he would become!!!

So, much love to the Urk Man.